Accepting the impossible

Lately I’ve been pondering what if I never do recover and wondering if I need to change my approach to my status quo.

I have realised I have been rather consumed with the thought of “when I will recover fully, I will do this and that”. And it seems most of the things I do now is for my future self and that I am forgetting my current self.

My strongest desire is naturally to recover, so a lot of my time goes to cooking and making sure I eat the right food and stick to my ayurvedic diet, which is my medicine. This is somewhat brought on by necessity, as if I eat the tiniest amount of foods that will bring my doshas out of balance, such as sugar, yeast, wheat or dairy, it totally disrupts my sleep and makes me so sluggish I am hardly able to do anything but walk and meditate.

There is nothing wrong with that, but it is almost as if my mind has been consumed with being healthy to the point where I have not really been able to relax.

So I have started to see if I can approach my illnesses differently: can I accept that the fibroid doesn’t shrink? I got the idea from something I read which stated that if you cannot accept your illness then you’re really at war with (a part of) yourself. So it seemed quite logical to give up the thought of wanting to shrink the fibroid and start embracing it. It is after all here to tell me something, so it seemed like the right time to start listening.

This process was made easier as I sat at an alternative fertility clinic (fibroids are connected to the uterus), and saw a wall full of baby photos, and it was as if the desperation society has with having babies hit me.

We are raised in a society which seems to tell us that the meaning of life is to have a family and children to the point that we neglect to see that maybe there is another meaning of life for some of us that is equally, or maybe even more meaningful than having children.

So I started asking myself why I wanted to shrink the fibroid, and if I could accept, despite its rather large size, it being there now that I have a diet that has reduced many of the symptoms, and decided to let go of the thought and accept whatever life has in store for me.

Soon after I started to let go and started talking to the fibroid, a friend recommended some herbs she has given to her fibroid patients with success. I also felt more relaxed and even though yes, I would like it to disappear, I don’t hate or dislike it anymore; and the messages it brings me seems stronger somehow.

So this gave me the thought; what if I start to let go of wanting a full recovery for my concussed head as well, and ask what it wants to tell me. Clearly there is a message I haven’t gotten. Or maybe I am meant to live a different life for some reason and I need to embrace my current reality instead of chasing a future recovery.

What if I stop thinking about everything I want to do when I recover and start taking a different approach to the now, and relax a bit more and enjoy what I have instead? It doesn’t mean I will stop dreaming of and visualising and living healthy for a full recovery,

but maybe I need to accept that my previous life is gone and will never return.

Maybe I will never return to work at all, maybe I will work part time and maybe I will return to work, either way I probably need to accept that right now I am miles away from the workforce and live more for the now rather than thinking of the future.

I am hoping accepting the thought of not being able to recover fully will bring me more peace of mind, joy, less stress and eventually full recovery, in whatever form that may take..