Remove the noise and find yourself

A close friend recently reminded me to listen to myself instead of listening to others. I needed to hear that.

Before I hit my head, I often picked up a book, attended a course, listened to an authority figure, googled or talked to a friend to find an answer or a solution- instead of going within and asking myself. The brain injury changed that.

I  found that not being able to read, write, talk much, think a lot, socialise, listen to music, watch TV, be physically active or be out and about for more than a year gave me time to listen to myself.

During this time I got better at hearing my own thoughts, and noticing which thoughts benefited me and which didn’t. It made me see many things in myself that I didn’t want to see, but which I had to face and heal emotionally and physically. I became more aware of the voice and tone of other people’s voices and energies. And I started noticing what gave me energy and what drained me.

It gave me time to sense which people in my life had my best intentions at heart, it gave me time to feel and sense who inspired me and raised my energy levels, and those who did not, and who were ready to abandon me when I no longer served them. It opened my eyes and helped me shed illusions.

It gave me time to realise I could cook without recipes and that I could manage a whole range of tasks I previously would have relied on google for. Being forced to experiment, I realised I was capable of so much more than I thought I would be, and it made me think of our forefathers who had to rely on themselves. They didn’t have all the noise and impressions that we’re surrounded by. It’s also made me see how beneficial and crucial meditation is to our emotional, physical and cognitive health.

And as I am on the way to recovery, I find that it is easy to forget to go within. Now that I can read a little, I tend to want to read a book and wanting to find the answer there. So hearing my friend ask me why not asking myself instead, was good.

In the past year and a half I have found that I do have plenty of good answers.

The trick is to be still enough to listen.

I’ve found that once you start listening, like really listening to yourself and trusting yourself to have the right answers, then you may discover that who you thought you were, was just a story you were telling yourself.

Lately I’ve shed so many illusions I find myself uncertain of who I am and what I want.

It makes me unsure of which stories are really true and which aren’t. But I believe this is a phase I need to go through, and that I have started the journey of getting to know myself.

Part of the journey is discovering what I like and what I don’t like. I actually am not totally sure any longer if I really like something or whether I’m just telling myself that I like something, so for now I’ve decided to try different activities and pay attention to my feelings. This goes for friends too. I’ve realised that some people just seem to want to talk to me when they want something from me. That’s not really making me feel valued, it never did. But the difference now is that I feel I have nothing to loose by speaking up, whilst before I was afraid of loosing friends by voicing my opinions. I have realised that there is no point in having anything in your life that doesn’t nourish you (and there is no point for your friend to have you in their life if that is how they really feel about you).

I feel that some friends handle this really well and we’re getting a more open and honest relationship that I believe has more value to both of us. After all, we shouldn’t do anything in life out of duty or obligation. We should do it because we want to. Life should be fun. It should be enjoyable. That’s what I keep repeating to myself. Up and until I fell I felt so much of my life was a struggle, and I am fed up with that because I know there is an easier path.

The first step is to get to know myself better. It means going within and removing noise so I can listen to the answers.

So far I know: I love writing and I love yoga, and that I have some truly awesome friends in my life. I can’t wait to find out more.