Facing the pink elephant

Yesterday i wrote a blog that I didn’t like. So I didn’t publish it and I decided to leave it. Then it occurred to ask myself what was wrong with it and why I was censoring myself.

One of the reasons I discarded the post was that I felt it focussed too much on my illness, post concussion fatigue. I wrote before in my post Shifting perspective that quantum physics advices you to focus on what you want and  pay attention to what you say, think and do, as they create more of what you want tomorrow. So I’ve tried to avoid writing about concussion as I want less of it.

But everytime I write it appears in some way or another.

I also swore I wouldn’t become one of those bloggers or writers who identify themselves  with their illness to such an extent that their entire life seems to revolve merely around the illness.

However,  maybe I’ve been trying too hard not to be one of those people. Maybe I’ve tried too hard not to explain what it’s like to have a mild traumatic brain injury due to fear of boring friends and my readers with illness. Because if Facebook is anything to go by, then we want the sunshine story. That’s understandable. I don’t like to read books, watch films or listen to someone who talks non stop about illness. But there’s an in between.

The main thing is to remember you’re a person who happens to have an illness, and that you are not the illness or the symptoms.

When I want to lift the ban or censorship and add concussion to my blogs, it is because I think if you don’t want to think or write about the pink elephant then that’s what you’ll end up doing, and that’s not where i want my focus to be. Yet, I know that all the knowledge I have gained on the brain and everything that comes with dealing with concussion recovery is worth sharing. I never knew how truly amazing our brain is and the incredibly job it does. And I want to share what I’ve learnt so maybe others can appreciate the magic of the human brain, and take better care of it.

Because as I have learnt, meditation is just as crucial to your health as physical exercise is.

Think about that for a second. Your subconscious mind is the chauffeur in your life, not your car, the physical body. Not taking care of the chauffeur can lead to an unfulfilled life.

So I will not avoid the elephant anymore, and hope that writing about concussion can help my recovery as well as writing gets thoughts out of the head. And what’s out of the head, could also leave the subconscious mind.

Going public

The other reason why I was censoring myself was that I have now gone public with my blog. The domain now includes my name, and the blog heading contains my full name (yikes, that is super scary).

No more hiding behind an anonymous username, but instead posting under my full name.

Now what’s scary about that you may wonder. Deep inside me there is a child who is scared that someone in the health service, someone I know, or anyone else, read the blog and doesn’t like it. The worst? What if they think I’m crazy (see, I’m posting this under my full name, so maybe I am half crazy. If I ever need an excuse, it’s the post concussion fatigue diagnose. Phew, what a good idea it was to allow myself to write about it).

Well, they can think what they want. But posting under my full name is a good way of facing and embracing the fears and the pink elephant. I’m taking the first elephant step towards my dream.

Since I hit my head and I have been unable to write and express myself, one thing has been very clear to me:

I long to write. I need to write. Writing is like breathing to me. It’s an essential part of life.

So I hope by lifting the ban, that it will be easier to write, and who knows, maybe I now can post the post I initially censored?

Author: Elisabeth Kolstad

I am a kundalini yoga teacher and writer in Bergen, Norway.

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